I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
