So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
