I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
