her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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