just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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