Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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