did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
