I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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