My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
