I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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