I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
