my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
