someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
