there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
