one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just found puke in my bra..
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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