Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
