Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
