Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
