nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
