I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize