Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize