just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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