The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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