I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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