My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
