apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
