What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
