I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
