moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
it hurts more in the daytime
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
