Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
