Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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