the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
