does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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