I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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