They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
