It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
