actually, I'm a sock model
My friends, they love my intelligence
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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