My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Randomize
