9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
