After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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