I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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