i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize