the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
