Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
