dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
