haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
