I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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