Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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