as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
