I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
