dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
