i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
