It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
