he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
