New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
