just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize